Animal I Have Become
by I-Tried-To-Fix-You
Summary: There is one thing that every member of my family questions at one time or another. One upon, none of us can answer... Take a peek into each Cullen's mind about the one thing that they all ponder. Their humanity. Rated T for suicide and rape mentionings.


**Carlisle POV:**

There is one thing that every member of my family questions at one time or another. One upon, none of us can answer, but each of us has an opinion on.

Are we monsters?

When I first became what I am, after attempting to drown and jumping from great heights, I came to the conclusion that I was stuck. I was stuck being this dreadful being that I am now, but I refused to succumb to it. I would not give in to temptation. I grew weaker and wilder with thirst, and could feel my willpower slipping away. That was when I discovered an alternative. I had another option to choose, a choice that seemed less monstrous. Through all of my struggles, I must say the worst part was my loneliness. I had no one, but myself. I am no longer alone, but I still continue to ponder…was bringing others into this life damnation? I can only hope that through trying our best to be good, our sins can be forgiven.

_I can't escape this hell_

_So many times I've tried_

_But I'm still caged inside_

**Jasper POV:**

My first years after my "rebirth" were filled with greed, death, and depression. I broke bonds with my colony of sorts after many years, and wandered aimlessly, looking for a meaning to my pointless existence. I happened across a diner in Philadelphia, where my beloved Alice was waiting for me. I hadn't realized that I was lost, but she made me whole. She gave me hope. We joined Carlisle and his family not too long afterwards, and he showed us how to satisfy our thirsts without being demons. The only reason that I put myself through this agony is for Alice; I would do quite literally anything for her. Though my love is strong, it doesn't make my struggles any easier. I still can't help but think of humans as meals on legs…I can rein my thirst in, but at the end of the day, I am always a vampire.

_Somebody get me through this nightmare_

_I can't control myself!_

**Edward POV:**

Though I thought that I could escape the guilt that comes with a conscience, I found myself aching with despair during my bout of rebellion. Even while preying upon evil people, I felt evil myself. I couldn't help but see a beast in my reflection. Who was I to take justice into my own hands? I am not God, nor an angel; I am not even human. The only definition that I can give myself is a soulless monster. Heaven will never open its gates for me, and righteously so. We can try all we want, but we are damned, regardless of what we do. I am a bloodsucking fiend, a creature of the night. I am your worst nightmare.

_So what if you can see_

_The darkest side of me_

_No one will ever change _

_This animal I have become_

**Esme POV:**

Suicide is an unforgiveable sin. To take one's own life, a gift from God himself, is a ticket straight to Hell. I can't say that I was above this law, that I had reason to commit such a crime, but if one were in such a pain as I was, they might choose the same path. My husband, my Carlisle, saved me, and I am eternally grateful, for I have a family. I have everything that I could possibly ask for, and much more than I deserve. No, I do not believe that we have access to a life beyond what we already have, but I don't think that we are monsters either. How could I even consider to blame him for damning me, when I already have committed a ghastly crime myself?

_And we believe_

_It's not the real me_

_Somebody help me tame_

_This animal_

**Rosalie POV:**

I know that I am beautiful. I also know that I am considered vain. What most people don't understand is that I do have feelings. I lived in a glamorous world with a perfect life set out for me, and it was all ripped away from under my feet. While I know that it wasn't Carlisle's fault, I still am bitter about what I am. I never asked for this "life," and was never given a choice. I am thankful that he saved me, because if I weren't a vampire, I would never have met Emmett. However, that does not mean that I am not jealous of Bella…jealous of her blush…of her human heartbeat. I can't help but feel a sort of hatred towards her, towards Carlisle, towards Royce, towards the world, for ruining my happy ending. As I have said, if we had happy endings, we'd all be under gravestones now.

_I can't escape myself_

_So many times I've lied_

_But there's still rage inside_

**Alice POV:**

I was abandoned and left alone when I awakened from my change. You'd think that I would go crazy and become ravenous, but my visions were present. They saved me and made me realize that I had hope of finding people to love me. The world isn't always a righteous place, but that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy my new life to the best of my ability. I have a family. I have a husband. I have a home. Even though I don't think that we will go anywhere after we truly cease to exist, I believe that we have risen above what was given to us. We may not be human, or have the same rights to a heaven as they do, but we aren't monsters either. We simply exist.

_Somebody get me through this nightmare_

_I can't control myself!_

_So what if you can see_

_The darkest side of me_

_No one will ever change _

_This animal I have become_

**Emmett POV:**

I was never a religious man. I had a simple life, with a simple family in a small town, before I was mauled by that bear. When Rose brought me to Carlisle, my life changed dramatically. I do find our life hard sometimes, but I think that I got more of the good out of this than bad. I got my Rosie, my angel, and if he hadn't changed me, hadn't damned me, I would never have discovered my soul mate. Bella and I have that fact in common; we were both chosen through love. Even if we are soulless after all, Hell's not so bad if you get to keep an angel with you.

_And we believe_

_It's not the real me_

_Somebody help me tame _

_This animal I have become_

_And we believe_

_It's not the real me_

_Somebody help me tame _

_This animal_

_Somebody help me through this nightmare_

_I can't control myself_

_Somebody wake me from this nightmare_

_I can't escape this hell_

**Carlisle: **This animal…

**Jasper: **This animal…

**Edward: **This animal…

**Esme: **This animal…

**Rosalie: **This animal…

**Alice: **This animal…

**Emmett: **This animal…

_So what if you can see_

_The darkest side of me_

_No one will ever change _

_This animal I have become_

_And we believe _

_It's not the real me_

_Somebody help me tame _

_This animal I have become_

_And we believe_

_It's not the real me_

_Somebody help me tame _

_This animal…_

_This animal I have become…_


End file.
